Dr. Carnes talks about this book
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships
Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds--chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, incest and child abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiations, kidnapping, professional exploitation and religious abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationships share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power.
In The Betrayal Bond, Patrick Carnes presents an in-depth study of these relationships, why they form, who is most susceptible, and how they become so powerful. He shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred and gives a checklist for examining relationships. He then provides steps to safely extricate from these relationships.
Excerpt from the book:
"Betrayal. A breach of trust. Fear. What you thought was true -counted on to be true- was not. It was just smoke and mirrors, outright deceit and lies. Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous. Worse, there the sincerity and care that obscure what you have lost. You can see the outlines of it now. It was exploitation. You were used. Everything in you wants to believe you weren't. Please make it not so, you pray. Yet enough has emerged. Facts. Undeniable. You sizzle with anger.
Betrayal. You can't explain it away anymore. A pattern exists. You know that now. You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never really as it seemed). That would be unbearable. But to move forward means certain pain. No escape. No in-between. Choices have to be made today, not tomorrow. The usual ways you numb yourself will no work. The reality is too great, too relentless."
Probably the one book I'll ever say changed me
By outdoormama87 January 11, 2018
I cannot recommend this book enough! Ever wonder why you just can't seem to walk away from someone who you KNOW is only going to cause you more despair & heartache? Even though you've been completely humiliated by the amount of chances you've given him/her, only to be permanently scarred again and again.
They rarely seem truly remorseful (if ever) about the pain they cause you and any apology given is done in such a manner that YOU feel responsible and YOU feel bad!! Or why you feel so desperate to get them to love you?
Not for the faint hearted but the work will be worth the price
By Louis B. A. February 7, 2014
I was seeing patterns in my life that the ones I trusted the most were betraying me and this would literally knock me off my center every time. Well the Betrayal wound goes way back to a repeated childhood wound. The work needed to complete this book is not easy. I am planning to eventually share my work with a new therapist I am seeing.
So for me a Betrayal of trust lead me into jobs that exploited me for their benefit (not mine) and my latest relationship ended in Betrayal all these are due to unresolved grief about the original betrayal wounds from a parent.